Does The Sports Guy=The Sports Gal?
(Note: For those without the reading comprehension skills to figure it out, this is a satirical, tongue-in-cheek, not serious piece)
The moon landing. The second shooter on the grassy knoll. The assassination of Julius Caesar. All suspected of being vast conspiracies. Some are believed to be true, some are not. Along those lines I recommend you sit down and prepare your mind for prospect that “The Sports Gal”, the purported spouse of Bill Simmons, ESPN’s “The Sports Guy”, is in fact the Sports Guy himself.
Let’s take a look at the facts. Last fall Simmons wanted to compare his football picks to those made by somebody with no football knowledge. Soon “The Sports Gal’s” picks, along with a short blurb about people magazine or hollywood starlets, began appearing in his football column. Then last month the new season of “The Bachelor” brought “The Sports Gal’s” Bachelor Blog to Page 2 of ESPN.com.
Now, the first giant question is why ESPN.com would give a column to a completely unknown and unproven writer strictly based on her spouse’s work for the website. Most people will agree that her brief rants were not enough to merit getting her own blog on Page 2. The second giant question is why ESPN.com would have a blog about “The Bachelor.” Sure, Page 2 has been drifting further and further from conventional sports content, but even so, a blog about a non-sports ABC reality show makes no sense. Even the Disney cross-promotional machine that brought us “ESPN the Weekend” would not stoop so low as to have a Bachelor Blog on ESPN.com.
Getting back to the Sports Guy, we all know that he loves answering emails and writing about reality TV. Perhaps he’s always wanted to do a blog about a reality TV show such as “The Bachelor.” The only problem is that his faithful sports obsessed readers would never stand for it. So one day he has an idea. Like Samuel Clemens, he realizes that he can use a pen name. A pseudonym. An alias. And so “The Sports Guy” becomes the “The Sports Gal”, and The Bachelor Blog is born. Simmons has it written into his new ESPN contract that Page 2 must publish it, and that the true author remain hidden behind “The Sports Gal’s” name.
Still a skeptic? Let’s take a look at some of the Bachelor Blog entries. (Disclaimer: I could not force myself to read all the entries from start to finish, and so I have only skimmed most of them.)
Episode 1: The entry begins with “The Sports Gal” quoting a joke Bill makes about the Bachelor being from Duke. Then towards the end she makes an “I knew those Duke guys were sketchy” joke. The problem here is that it’s not believable that the second Duke joke is a “Sports Gal” line. To women who are not interested in sports (something Simmons claims his wife to be), Duke is just another school. Duke jokes come almost entirely from the school’s place in college basketball. So the question is why would the “Sports Gal”, somebody with no knowledge of Duke basketball, be making a Duke joke?–it doesn’t make any sense. We know Simmons is a Duke hater–he revealed himself as one this March–and we know Bill had already made a Duke joke. Did “The Sports Gal” steal a line from her spouse without crediting him, or is it the more logical explanation that Simmons was actually writing the blog entry and merely forgot to credit his actual self for the joke.
Episode 4: This entry begins with the “Sports Gal” discussing seeing the Bachelor on Jimmy Kimmel. The question here is why would “The Sports Gal” watch Jimmy Kimmel? (no offense to you Jimmy) We know that Simmons used to work on Kimmel and that the two are friends, and so it would make sense for him to watch it. Perhaps his spouse watched it with him, but it all seems a little bit fishy.
Episode 5: The most recent entry starts out with Bill’s List of “10 things not to tell the Bachelor.” Quoting Bill has been an extremely common theme throughout all of the entries. The innocent explanation is that from time to time Bill makes jokes the “Sports Gal” wants to include. Conversely, it’s possible all the Bill references are because he wants to make sure his real identity gets credit for the best jokes his fake identity is making. I think the 2nd explanation is more likely.
Of course there are some holes in this whole theory. “The Sports Gal” writes disparaging things about Bill as well as things only a woman would write. There’s is also the issue of her football pick rants predating the conception of the Bachelor Blog. Perhaps those rants were really written by the “Sports Gal”, and perhaps many things in the “Bachelor Blog” are original pieces written by her. It’s possible this whole thing is a 50-50 collaboration on their part. Still, all the signs point to the “Sports Guy” being much more involved in the Bachelor Blog than he lets on.
So there you go Bill. You’ve been hoodwinking the Page 2 audience and it’s about time it stops. It’s ok if you’ve always wanted to write about ABC reality TV. People can accept that. Most of your columns now have 42% of their words devoted to reality TV anyway. Writing about the Bachelor doesn’t take anything away from the fact that you are one of the better NBA writers around. But you need to take a lesson from the great John Amaechi and be true to yourself. Be true to your readers. Be honest and feel the freedom that comes from ending the lie you’re living. You may even get some new readers for the Bachelor Blog.
33 Comments »
on 08 May 2007 at 4:37 am #
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on 08 May 2007 at 5:27 pm #
Um… the Duke rape scandal was a pretty big deal outside of sports. Ever think that’s where she may have gotten the idea that Duke guys were “sketchy”?
on 08 May 2007 at 5:34 pm #
First I don’t think the Duke reference has much to do with basketball and prob more to do with the lacrosse situation and the rape, which you don’t really have to be a sports fan at all to know about since it was on every news station in the country for over a year. Also I don’t think it’s much of a stretch to assume that if your husband is friends with a talk show host you might watch from time to time especially if you are a fan of a reality tv show and the star of it is going to be on. I love all these conspiracy theorists about the sports gal….if you don’t care about the bachelor and don’t read the columns anyway then who cares
on 08 May 2007 at 5:34 pm #
I just wasted five good minutes reading your conspiracy theory.
on 08 May 2007 at 5:36 pm #
Couldn’t agree with you more. The witty and clever writing craft could only be the help/aid of Simmons himself or he essentially edits the shit out of her miniscule posts and beefs it up with his own finishing touches. Either way, it ain’t a solo effort from the Sports Gal.
on 08 May 2007 at 5:46 pm #
I completely agree and have been operating under this assumption since the first one got published. It’s written in the same style, the same voice, even uses the same type of pop culture references.
Not to say she’s not dictating the general idea of what she wants to say, but his fingerprints are all over it.
As for holes in your theory, taking a few lame self-depricating shots disproves it? Not at all. It’s not like she’s calling him out for being quick on the trigger.
But, does it ultimately matter? Nope. It’s the same pedestrian crap that has failed to bring me back to read more.
on 08 May 2007 at 5:54 pm #
It seems that the holes in your theory are much more compelling than the three lame examples you have to support it. I’m guessing Simmons probably reads her blog and makes edits/suggestions, but I don’t think he’s ghostwriting her blog for her. Seems this is much ado about nothing.
on 08 May 2007 at 6:01 pm #
I’ll be the first to admit that Simmons’ writing has gotten more and more self-indulgent, but um, have you ever been in a long term relationship? lots of times one person’s little jokes work their way into another person’s repertoire. And I think the majority of young, American women (esp. those dating sports fans) are at least mildly aware of the Duke lacrosse non-rape case. do I think he might be ghost-writing it? maybe. but you’re reaching a little there.
on 08 May 2007 at 6:04 pm #
i think the bigger question is why someone would waste any amount of time writing a 1000 + word column wondering whether the Sports Guys is really the Sports Gal. how do i get the 10 minutes of my life back that i spent reading this?
on 08 May 2007 at 6:10 pm #
First of all, it’s not true that all (or even most) Duke jokes are college hoops-based. It’s just not so. Duke is an elitist, rich, striving institution, the self-proclaimed Ivy of the South, in a poor black city and state-school area. Its shirts are pink; its collars are turned up;its girls are hideous. It attracts all sorts of flack from all sorts of crowds, and it’s entirely reasonable that a Sports Gal, whoever she is, would make such a joke. I know my female friends talk shit about the school all the time. Secondly, if you don’t find it plausible that a wife would watch the show of her husband’s friend and former employer, one that happens to be on national television and based in the area, I don’t know what to tell you. That’s just stupid. And …. that’s it. Some moon landing.
on 08 May 2007 at 6:10 pm #
Umm, everyone nows Duke produces an inordinate amount of douchebags. All you have to do is meet someone who went there.
on 08 May 2007 at 6:11 pm #
I have to say, the whole wife writes for the website and his declaring himself the biggest college basketball fan of all time made me dump Simmons like a bad habit. Simmons was great for a while, but the schtick is old.
on 08 May 2007 at 6:18 pm #
In favor of your argument — there’s also about an 18-hour turnaround time on these columns; that’s pretty quick for someone who’s not used to writing for a livng.
Against — Five years ago, I would have agreed with your Duke comment. But the whole interracial-stripper-hiring-and-alleged-gang-rape thing is probably enough to warrant a “Duke guys are sketchy” comment.
on 08 May 2007 at 6:26 pm #
Thanks for the all the comments, but this is half-serious, tongue-in-cheek post. Let’s not take it too seriously…
on 08 May 2007 at 6:28 pm #
Believe me, by no means am I a Simmons supporter…
on 08 May 2007 at 6:36 pm #
If you are going to make such a long and detailed argument, you probably should read all of the “evidence” in the form of the Sports Gals’ writings first. I was all ready to jump on your conspiracy theory bandwagon when I saw the title of your post but then I read your argument and became convinced instead that the Sports Gal is, in fact, writing her own columns.
1) Stereotypes about Dukies are pervasive beyond both basketball and even the lacrosse scandal. In my grad school (which had its fair share of Dukies even though it was in the northeast), it was frequently joked that the best promoter of abstinence was a B.A. from Duke. Seriously, there’s just something about Dukies.
2) Bill always makes references to watching television with the Sports Gal. She sometimes watches sports with him and he sometimes watches chick shows with her. If he’s watching the Bachelor (which if you read the blog, you know he is), why wouldn’t she be watching Kimmel?
3) Bill also references things the Sports Gal says. Its a two way street. Plus the Sports Gal has mentioned multiple times that Bill provides the humorous one-liners around the house. My s.o. makes really similar comments while I am watching the Bachelor and I would absolutely include them if I had a similar column.
I’m not saying that he’s not helping her out, reading over her stuff, giving her pointers, etc. but she has a decidedly different style and voice from Bill and this difference has been obvious to me since her first rants. Except for her quotes of Bill, her sense of humor is also slightly different. The strongest evidence to me are the little things that clue you in that its a female voice. When talking about fashion and accessories, she lists the designers by name. When talking about cars, she gives the general type (like “sports car”). Guys do the opposite. The only thing that raised my suspicion was that she made a comment recently about Ray Bans being decidedly 80s. Especially given all the Us Weekly-type literature the Sports Guy claims that she reads, you would think that she would know that 80s style Ray Bans are back. I am giving her a pass, though, because she was referring to a guy wearing them and they aren’t back for men yet in the same way that they are for women.
on 08 May 2007 at 7:53 pm #
What does it matter? Simmons still sucks. The guy’s material has regressed so much over the past year. He’s a bigger waste than this actual conspiracy theory.
on 08 May 2007 at 8:31 pm #
Another theory to investigate is why writers, comedians, actors, and so on get painfully unfunny after they give birth? It happens to everyone.
on 08 May 2007 at 8:37 pm #
This is news? Has anyone really ever doubted that Pinkberry Simmons is a woman?
on 08 May 2007 at 8:41 pm #
In a March mailbag column Simmons wrote, “I am not allowed to remove anything from the Sports Gal’s rants — that was one of her conditions before she agreed to start writing them.”
on 08 May 2007 at 8:42 pm #
Sorry, here’s the link.
on 08 May 2007 at 11:02 pm #
It’s a theory nowhere near as good as House, J-Bug and the Bill Simmons mafia just hunting blogs for the negative mention of the bossman.
Winner! Champion.
on 09 May 2007 at 12:23 am #
I’ve read all the Sports Gal stories, and with the disdain the author has for her husband, I believe it has to be his wife. Good conspiracy theory though.
on 09 May 2007 at 1:19 am #
Rupert: Easy. They can’t be as angry anymore. They go into provider mode.
on 09 May 2007 at 1:20 am #
I actually think the invention of Sports Gal is a clever marketing gimmick to get more shelf space, a lot like when Coca-Cola came out with “New Coke”. Unfortunately for all of us, Sports Gal is no diet cherry vanilla coke
on 09 May 2007 at 4:12 am #
Alex: But it does make the Sports Guy look better. Like New Coke to the old Coke.
on 09 May 2007 at 1:41 pm #
Isn’t it obvious that he just helps her? She’s not a professional writer so I’m sure he helps in that regard but that’s about it.
I’ve been reading Simmons since he started on ESPN and I think if he wanted to start a strictly reality TV show blog he would do it and simply mix it in with his normal columns.
on 09 May 2007 at 4:54 pm #
My wife write on my blog a little…so I’ll give him a tiny bit of slack. Nah, maybe not.
on 09 May 2007 at 9:24 pm #
have you read the sports gal? she’s terrible. simmons may be a provincial putz, but at least he’s good at what he does.
on 10 May 2007 at 3:10 am #
Theres’s one word to describe this topic:
Petty
Overall, the relevency to this “theory” set fourth is childish..
(And for the record, there was no second shooter, the “magic bullet” theory.. None of that trash. It’s been proven to be invalid)
on 23 May 2007 at 2:05 pm #
You have no idea what you’re talking about. Your statement, “Most people will agree that her brief rants were not enough to merit getting her own blog on Page 2.” Actually, most people I know think she’s hilarious.
And, a friend of mine is friends with the Simmons’s (Simmons’s’s’s’s?), and can confirm that yes, the Sports Gal *does* write her own blogs.
As for Page 2 hosting a “Bachelor blog”, this is the same outlet that regularly features pieces on the National Spelling Bee. I find the Bachelor much more compelling, and filled with unintended humor.
Bucky on 19 Mar 2008 at 3:31 pm #
From the latest Sports Gal entry I think I can shed an answer to your conspiracy. It is indeed a collaboration between the two of them. In the Sports Gal’s NCAA picks, there was a comment made that Bill jots down notes for her, and gives her help writing the article. This means he most likely adds in quips and other things to help spice up her column. Seems like the most logical explanation.
Ben Lee on 12 Nov 2008 at 11:49 pm #
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