Shakedownsports.com

With the NBA draft just around the corner it’s time to project who will have shiny new hats bestowed upon them. However, this isn’t your normal mock draft, it’s the ShakedownSports Mock Mock Draft, where you’ll find out what each team really needs.

1. Portland—Kevin Durant
Saying they want to go with a “youth movement”, the Blazers will choose Durant over the aging Greg Oden. Still, the team remains skeptical of how Durant will play without a coach like Rick Barnes to make him look good.

2. Seattle—Greg Oden
Despite fears that he’s the second coming of Jim Mcllvaine, the Sonics will reluctantly take Oden with the 2nd pick. With Mouhamed Sene waiting in the wings it could be a while before Oden sees any playing time.

3. Altanta—Mike Conley Sr.
The Hawks missed out on a chance to draft Greg Oden this year, but by drafting his agent they put themselves in good position to get him for the 2010 season. Conley Sr. also gives the Hawks one more gold medal than most NBA teams featuring an American superstar.

4. Memphis—Marc Gasol
The Grizzlies’ plan is to get Bulls GM John Paxson drunk and then trade him the younger Gasol for Ben Gordon, Ty Thomas, Thabo Sefolosha, and Chris Duhon.

5. Boston—Dr. Jack Kevorkian
This is only way the Celtics can truly put their fans out of their misery. It may seem a little extreme, but it’s better than drafting Yi Jianlian and having fans take matters into their own hands without medical supervision.

6. Milwaukee—Stevin L. Smith
Tanking in a legitimate manner failed to move the Bucks pass the Celtics for the 2nd worst record in the league last season. The team will get the help it needs in Smith, the former Arizona State point guard who was involved in on one of the largest point shaving scandals in history. With a few timely injuries and some “accidental” turnovers from Smith, the Bucks should have no problem locking up the top spot in the lottery next year.

7. Minnesota—Doctor Emmett Brown
Barring an unimaginable windfall from dealing Kevin Garnett, this team has no chance of competing for the next five years. The T-Wolves only hope is to somehow go back in time and undo all the mistakes they’ve made over the last 4 years. If there’s one man who make it happen it’s the Doc and his delorean.

8. Charlotte—Joakim Noah
Ever since the Charlotte Sting left town the Hornets have been trying to appeal to the city’s female fan base. Noah’s nubile physique and curly brown locks should certainly be something the females of Charlotte can relate to.

9. Chicago—Jeff Green
The Bulls feel that Green’s arsenal of traveling-based post moves will be just as effective in the NBA as they were college.

10. Sacramento—Hillary Clinton
Seven years ago Clinton orchestrated a difficult and politically risky move from Arkansas to New York so she could run for senate. The Maloof brothers will use her help to orchestrate a similarly difficult move to Las Vegas.

11. Atlanta—Rudy Fernandez
The Hawks plan to bury Fernandez on their bench for two years, then watch him turn into an all-star after they give him away to the Suns.

12. Philadelphia—Yi Jianlian
Jianlian is not yet fluent in English, which means the Sixers have a chance to get a player who is immune to the criticism and harassment from the city’s fans and media. To ensure life stays easy for Jianlian, the team will hire an interpreter to follow Yi around and make sure he doesn’t learn any English.

13. New Orleans—Reggie Bush
The only way the Hornets are going to generate any interest in the New Orleans area is if they somehow convince Bush to jump to the NBA.

14. L.A. Clippers—D.J. Strawberry
The Clippers may not be enough to draw fans to the Staples Center, but if there’s one thing that will get fans to the game it’s the opportunity to gawk at Daryl Strawberry in the stands.

15. Detroit—The guys who shot the Kobe video
The Pistons are sick and tired of Rasheed Wallace picking up technical fouls by yelling at referees about bad calls. This pick will allow Wallace to express his anger through the filmmaking of these men, thus saving the Pistons precious points at the free throw line.

16. Washington—Johnnie Morton
With Brendan Haywood likely on his way out of town, Etan Thomas will need a new teammate to trade punches with during practice. Morton, who probably won’t be taking part in any MMA fights for a while, is the guy who fits the bill.

17. New Jersey—Sherrie Miller Daly
The Nets hope that with John Daly’s wife around to protect him, Jason Kidd will no longer live in fear of being beaten by his own wife. That peace of mind should allow Kidd to have a career year.

18. Golden State—Paris Hilton
The key for the Warriors next season will be keeping Stephen Jackson out of trouble. By drafting a stripping skank-whore for his own personal use, the team should be able to keep Jackson away from the dangers posed by strip clubs.

19. L.A. Lakers—Kobe’s rape accuser
Right now Kobe is on a high horse, angry with the Lakers and demanding a trade because the team lied to him. This pick will change all that. With his accuser constantly around Kobe will be reminded how fortunate he is to be the wealthy star of the Lakers instead of some inmate taking joy in the new cigarette shipment.

20. Miami—Paul Michael Glaser
With a new reality show set to air, Shaq’s focus seems to be drifting away from basketball. Hence the selection of Glaser, the man who directed “Kazaam.” Glaser’s presence will help get Shaq focused on basketball by reminding him that getting involved in non-basketball activities leads to bad things.

21. Philadelphia—Dane Cook
Cook has become extremely successful despite the fact that he has almost no discernible comedic talent. The Sixers’ front office hopes he can work a similar miracle with their basketball team.

22. Charlotte—Ed Cota
The opportunity to play former Tar Heel greats Raymond Felton, Jeff McInnis, and Ed Cota in the backcourt at the same time is too good to pass up.

23. New York—Glen Davis
In 2007 the Knicks will employ a revolutionary version of the 2-3 zone. Davis, Eddy Curry, and Jerome James will lock arms in the paint and use their ample girth to prevent anybody from coming within 6 feet of the basket.

24. Phoenix—John Slattery
Slattery plays Eva Longoria’s love interest in Season 3 of “Desperate Housewives”—in one episode he has sex with Longoria in the back of limo. The Suns hope to throw Tony Parker off his game by seating Slattery on their bench and constantly have him stare at Longoria while flashing an “I fondled your wife” sign towards Parker.

25. Utah—Brigitte Nielsen
Andrei Kirlilenko had such a poor postseason that the team is starting to consider trading him. What he needs is some top of the line Soviet motivation, and there’s nobody better at that than the woman who portrayed Ivan Drago’s sultry, domineering wife.

26. Houston–Skip 2 My Lou
It’s clear that with Rafer Alston at point guard the Rockets will never get to the next level. What the team needs is a flashy, playmaking point guard like New York City street legend Skip 2 My Lou. With him in the starting lineup and Alston relegated to a bench role, Yao, McGrady, and the Rockets could finally win a championship.

27. Detroit—Bryce Maximus James
With LeBron James in their path, the Pistons will have a hard time winning the Eastern Conference even once in the next 10 years. This draft pick ensure that LeBron’s youngest son won’t create the same fate for them in the 2030’s.

28. San Antonio—Ali MacGraw
During the playoffs Manu Ginobli seemed to have trouble with his balance. Every time he encountered a little bit of contact he ended up on the floor. The solution to that problem is MacGraw, one of today’s leading yoga experts. With her help, Ginobli could finally learn to stay on his feet.

29. Phoenix—William C. Weldon
Next postseason Phoenix will be prepared for everything. Weldon is the CEO of Johnson & Johnson, the makers of Band Aid and numerous other first aid supplies. The Suns will quickly put him to work developing some sort of product that can stop the profuse bleeding from Steve Nash’s nose.

30. Philadelphia—Josh McRoberts
The prospect of playing Josh McRoberts and Shavlik Randolph in the same frontcourt is too great to pass up. With these two guys the Sixers will be an unstoppable force in the 2003 McDonald’s All-American Game. If the team can add Nick Horvath, an NBA Title could be in the future.

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