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As you gaze upon yet another of John Madden’s genitalia drawings, take a minute and read this week’s extra mustard NFL picks.

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As a rule, anytime somebody goes over a 107 foot waterfall in a kayak they will get mentioned here. Today’s lucky someone is 21 year-old Tyler Bradt, a Montana native who set a new world record earlier this month when he plunged over the edge of Alexandria Falls. Bradt’s fall settled what had been heated dispute over who had been the real world record holder. (That’s right, waterfall kayak jumping has fights too.)

Apparently the last man who went over Alexandria falls fell out of his kayak when he hit the water at the bottom. As a result Guinness did not recognize his record fall. Bradt’s latest drop leaves no doubt as to holds the record.

Now here’s the real reason why I’m mentioning this story. Bradt had a friend who also attempted the record breaking fall that day. (He didn’t successfully pull it off.) In order to decide who would go over the edge first the two men agreed to play rock, paper, scissors. In the deciding match Bradt threw scissors and his friend threw paper. Hours later Bradt was the first one over the waterfall. It’s all just more proof that important things in life should be decided with rock, paper, scissors.

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You won’t tear your ACL struggling with these…

–Ronaldinho is halfway to Stamford Bridge. The move would be great for soccer because it would give Barcelona a chance to play wunderkinds Bojan Krkic (just turned 17) and Giovani dos Santos (just turned 18). Don’t believe me? Take just take a look at this video of Giovani and this one of Krkic. (The Sun)

–Here’s a terrific story from the Washington Post about the anomaly that is the 2007 Arizona Diamondbacks. Anytime a baseball article repeatedly mentions the Pythagorean Theorem it’s worth reading. (Washington Post)

–The Toronto FC goal drought is finally over!! And after just 824 short minutes. (Toronto Star)

–China is joining the Arizona Fall League. (MLB.com)

–The war of words between Geno Auriemma and Pat Summit isn’t over. (Hartford Courant)

–The Harvard football team joins the 21st century. (New York Times)

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Long before Mike Gundy became the focus of a slow news day, he played quarterback for Oklahoma State, memorably leading the Cowboys to a 62-14 victory over Wyoming in the 1988 Holiday Bowl. In that game Gundy threw for two touchdowns and caught this pass from Barry Sanders to set up another. You can remember Gundy for his media outburst if you want, but I’ll always remember him as Barry Sanders’ favorite receiving target.

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After two underachieving seasons, Pirates manager Jim Tracy is on his way out the door. Since he has nothing to lose, one would think that in his last few days on the job Tracy would try to create an amicable, laid-back atmosphere—a sort of “fuck it, let’s have some fun and be happy before I leave” kind of thing. Well, that’s not the case.

Last week the wives of both Jack Wilson and Salomon Torres gave birth to newborn babies. Yet despite protests from both players, Tracy demanded that they return to the team after two days. Because the Pirates were playing teams in the N.L. playoff race, Tracy wanted to be fair and play his best players. While Tracy’s goal was admirable, his demands on his players were completely unreasonable. This wasn’t some cousin’s wedding they were going to, it was the birth of their child. I think the Brewers would have understood if Jack Wilson wasn’t back in time to start against the Cubs.

As it turned out, neither player returned on the day Tracy wanted. Torres went over Tracy’s head and received permission from then interim general manager Brian Graham to stay with his wife a few more days. Wilson, on the other hand, blatantly disobeyed Tracy’s orders and stayed with his wife two extra days.

In the end Tracy didn’t get what he wanted and managed to look like an asshole. Now instead of just being remembered for 90 loss seasons, Tracy will also be known for tearing families apart.

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When the Olympic Games are held in America, the host city will often build new parks, stadiums, and roads. For the 2014 Winter Games in Sochi, the Russians are going a step further.

Russian developers outlined plans on Saturday for a 350-hectare artificial island in the shape of Russia to be built off the Black Sea coast near the future Olympic venue Sochi.

Federation Island is expected to house around 25,000 people in apartments and villas and is to be completed in time for the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, said its designer, Dutch architect Erick van Egeraat.

It will have two marinas, three religious centres, roads, parkland and artificial rivers, the latter designed to mimic some of the major rivers of Russia.

Doesn’t that sound nice. And if you’re thinking that Russia should work on improving areas of the country where people actually live instead of building new land, you obviously know nothing about using the Olympic Games to inject your city with as much government money as possible.

One thing to watch for is the American response to this island project. I can just see it now. Soon the U.S. will to try and outdo the Russians by building a bigger and better island. Perhaps it will be near Chicago, where in an effort to land the 20016 Olympics the city agrees to build a 5,000 square mile island in Lake Michigan. They’ll hold the team handball matches there. In the end the whole island thing will be just like the space race—only without the threat of communist nuclear weapons being dropped on America from the stars.

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You gotta hand it to Florida receiver David Nelson. The guy knows how to capitalize on a good thing. Six months ago Nelson was on a spring break cruise when a DJ mistook him for Gators quarterback Chris Leak. The Gators receiver decided to play along.

“The spotlight was on me,” he said Monday. “I stood up and waved and then sat back down.”

Nelson stayed the star all week, posing for pictures and meeting much of the crew. He even signed autographs for some small children who would have felt devastated if Nelson broke the hoax.

“I kind of just scribbled something,” he said.

Some may criticize Nelson for pretending to be something he’s not, but who among us wouldn’t impersonate a more heralded teammate in order to obtain free drinks or female companionship. I commend Nelson for recognizing an opportunity in life an seizing it. That’s the kind of assertiveness that will impress Urban Meyer.

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The NHL just can’t catch a break. The league spent years working with Reebok to design new uniforms that are lighter, tighter, sleeker, cooler and faster. The result was a special water repellent jersey that retains 76% less moisture than the old sweaters. While the new jerseys are working well, that’s not necessarily good thing for Mark Recchi and some of his Penguin teammates.

“[The sweaters] don’t soak anything in, which I guess is what they wanted,” Recchi said. “But the problem is, it goes through all of your equipment. It goes into your gloves, goes into your skates.”

And eventually saturates the leather in both, leaving the players feeling as if their hands and feet are immersed in liquid. Perhaps because, at least in some cases, they are.

“They do what they were designed to do, as far as repelling the water,” defenseman Mark Eaton said. “But we’ve found, the last three or four days of wearing them, that, when the water’s repelled, it has nowhere to go but into your skates and gloves.

“By the end of the second [period] or the start of the third, your skates are sloshing around and you have to change your gloves because they’re [soaked].”

That doesn’t sound too comfortable.

There are a lot of players who have had only positive things to say about the jerseys, and Gary Bettman will just have to hope the players who haven’t will learn to love the new uniforms. At the very least the new jerseys should be a boon for the antifungal medication industry.

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It had been almost a year since there was a major college football brawl. The drought is now over. On Saturday North Carolina Central and North Carolina A&T engaged in a fracas that would have made Ned proud. It started thanks to the time honored tradition of stomping on the logo of a vanquished opponent.

The latest melee to mar the NCCU-N.C. A&T rivalry started after the final seconds ticked off the clock with NCCU winning 27-22 on a game-saving interception. Players from the Durham university then ran out from their sideline and stomped on the Aggies’ bulldog logo painted at the center of the field, taunting the defeated team.

Fists and helmets were soon flying. The fight, which lasted about five minutes, cleared the benches of both teams and involved more than 100 people. It prompted at least one campus police officer to use pepper spray, leaving some players vomiting and gasping.

In the aftermath of the fight the two schools are considering cancelling their 2008 meeting. That’s probably a good idea. Since there’s no chance of a brawl next year, enjoy these bonus photos.

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Lamont Jordan is Back On SportsCenter

Do you realize that the Browns and the Raiders played this week, and people were interested in the game. And not just the actual game, people were interested in the lead-up to the game. People talked about who would win. People cared. All of this was almost unthinkable three weeks ago. Congratulations Oakland and Cleveland, you are both relevant to the NFL again. People believe you could have an effect on the post-season.

They Love to Beat That D.C. Traffic

I had the pleasure of attending Sunday’s Redskins Giants game at FedEx Field. When the Skins were forced to punt with under three minutes left in the game, fans started making a beeline for the exits. It wouldn’t surprise me if 5,000 people missed the end of the game. It’s one thing to not care about the team. It’s another to risk not knowing how many free Papa John’s toppings the Redskins touchdown output has netted you.

Bonehead Moves of the Week

Jason Campbell/Redskins coaching staff

The Redskins got too spike-happy on their last drive. First, Jason Campbell fumbled a snap, setting up 2nd and 13 at the Giants 21 yard line with 1:20 left on the clock. The Redskins needed a first down and had plenty of time, but instead of taking an extra five seconds and running a play, Campbell inexplicably spiked the ball to stop the clock.

Fortunately for Campbell, on the next play he completed a pass to Antwan Randle El who took it to the 1 yard-line. There was still a minute on the clock, plenty of time for the Redskins to run four plays. Again, Campbell inexplicably spiked the ball instead of taking five extra seconds and running an actual play. That left the Redskins with only three plays instead of four. They really wish they had that fourth play now.

(By the way, I don’t think Gibbs was wrong to put Ladell Betts in for the final plays. As someone who’s spent my whole life being forced to endure every single Redskins game, I can honestly tell you that Betts is much better at the goal line. He was more likely to score and much more likely to not get dropped for a big loss. Betts is the Skins Marion Barber. Portis is Julius Jones)

Mike McCarthy

Fourth and goal from the 1 yard-line….and the Packers come out in the shotgun. No further explanation is necessary.

Mike Shanahan

Trailing by 6 with four minutes left in the game Shanahan elected to go for on 4th and 5 from his own 9 yard-line. Now you will not find a bigger proponent of going for it on 4th down than me, but this move was inexplicable. It’s a move Shanahan could have made if he trailed by 3, 4, or 5 points, because a Jacksonville field goal wouldn’t have ended the game. By going for it when he trailed by six Shanahan effectively put the outcome of the entire game on that one play. Good luck with all that Jay Cutler.

Gary Kubiak

Kubiak elected to punt with his offense facing 4th and 7 from the Colts 38 with three minutes left in the first half. When you’re playing a team as explosive as the Colts you just can’t give up the ball unless you absolutely have to. What made the decision even worse was that there was so little time left in the half. That means if the Texans had turned it over on downs Peyton Manning wouldn’t have had a lot of time to work with, and conversely, if the Texans got the ball back after punting, they wouldn’t have had much time to score.

Shrewd Moves of the Week

Ken Whisenhunt

The Cardinals coach showed some real cojones when he pulled Matt Leinart for Kurt Warner. Not many coaches would even consider benching their young stud quarterback for an aging turnover prone backup because the backup is a better fit for a specific situation in a specific game. Whisenhunt not only considered it, he did it, and the decision nearly paved the way for the Cardinals to pull off the upset.

Bullshit Game Changing Penalties of the Week

Bullshit Penalty #1–Sorry Jason Taylor, when they throw a fade and you grab the cornerback and push him out of the way, that’s a penalty on you. Erick Coleman got called for pass interference because he grabbed Taylor as Taylor was grabbing him and pushing him to the ground.

Bullshit Penalty #2–The Ravens got in position for their game winning field goal thanks to a bullshit unnecessary roughness penalty on Adrian Wilson. On the play Wilson actually turned his body to hit Todd Heap with his shoulder and not his helmet. Apparently the officials didn’t see it that way.

Bullshit Penalty #3–Plaxico Burress scored the game winning touchdown on a nifty catch and run, but the only reason he was still on the field was a bullshit call. Two plays earlier the Giants faced 3rd and 7 from the Washington 41. Eli Manning tried to hit Burress on a deep square in, but Shawn Springs read it well. Spring jumped the route and in the course of breaking up the pass he made some minor contact with Burress. The contact drew a flag. It was the type of borderline call that should go the defender’s way as a reward for reading and reacting to the play correctly. Regrettably, that’s not how it was called.

Best Use of a 2008 7th round Pick—Pittsburgh Steelers

A week before the season the Steelers acquired Allen Rossum from the Falcons for a late round draft pick in 2008. So far it’s working out. On Sunday, after the Steelers fell behind for the first time this season, Rossum ran Joe Nedney’s kick back for a touchdown to quash the 49ers short-lived dream.

The Ship is Sinking…

Alex Smith

Smith is a lot better than he used to be. He’s learned how to avoid interceptions and sacks. That’s a good thing. Still, he just doesn’t look like he reads the defense well enough to be great NFL quarterback. A guy like Peyton Manning knows where all 22 people on the field will be two seconds after the snap. That’s how he can instantly fire the ball to his 3rd or 4th receiver. Smith is the opposite. He knows where his primary target is, but if that receiver is covered he has trouble finding anybody other than the checkdown guy. That’s why half his passes are 1-yard dump-off’s to running backs or throwaways out of bounds. It just seems like now his ceiling is to be Jeff Garcia or Jake Plummer, not Steve Young.

Stat O’ the Week

1 That’s the number of teams who opened the season with three straight wins against 2006 playoff teams. That team is the Green Bay Packers.

European Football Goal of the Week

Danko Lazovic of PSV Eindhoven vs. CSKA Moscow

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