Brian Urlacher’s “Blog”
I’m surprised this hasn’t received more national attention, but Rick Morrisey of the Chicago Tribune has been writing a spoof blog in which he pretends to be Brian Urlacher. The blog is very KSK-esque to say the least, and it does not give a very flattering portrayal of Urlacher. Here’s a snippet.
Many men in Chicago have said they would love to be me, so I thought I’d give you an idea of a typical day.
First, I like to wake up. Jay Glazer, my home slice at foxsports.com, usually calls first thing to tell me how great I am. I got a little suspicious the one time when the phone rang and he said to me, “Osi, you’re great!” I said, not a little angrily, “This is Brian, not Osi Umenyiora of the New York Giants.” Jay had told me he has phone numbers for 1,500 NFL players, coaches and personnel men, so I was little worried he was doling out love in alphabetical order.
Jay assured me he was completely my guy and tearfully said he’d destroy his BlackBerry phone list to prove his unending loyalty to me. I said that wasn’t necessary, but I wouldn’t turn down Britney Spears’ number if he had it. He did, telling me she’s totally misunderstood and a major talent.
OK, then I have my usual breakfast of Vitamin Water, which is all anybody needs to survive. I haven’t eaten a thing in a year. I just drink this stuff and go to the Pro Bowl.
After that, I go to meetings at Halas Hall, watch film of that week’s opponent, get treatment on my aching back and go to practice. By the way, we stink this year. But we’re a well-hydrated bad team thanks to the Vitamin Water.
Then I like to kick back and play Halo 3 until 2 a.m. I’ve got to tell you: Sitting that long is not the best thing for an arthritic back! Try getting up after five hours of that. Sure, you’re a better man intellectually for it, but at what cost?
It’s a little remarkable that a journalist from a big time newspaper would risk alienating a local star athlete with such clear mockery, but I’m all for it. Morrisey just better hope he doesn’t have to interview Urlacher for anything ever again.
Some other stuff that might pique your interest…
–Remember Scott Frost? The former National Championship winning Nebraska quarterback-turned NFL safety is now the linebackers coach at Northern Iowa. His Panthers are the #1 Division I-AA team in country.
–There’s nothing like breaking a bunch of NCAA rules and then leaving your job with a nice little $60,000 severance package.
–Kazakhstan’s Olympic gold medalist is still not happy about “Borat.”
–Even if you’re a competitive skeet shooter who has been invited to an exclusive Junior Olympic camp, it’s not a good idea to accidentally bring shotgun shells onto school grounds.
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