After a lengthy 17 minutes of careful thinking about the new American Gladiators, I have finally decided that yes, it’s so bad, it’s good. The show is even so bad, it’s really good. So what if it’s made like a shitty MTV reality show (”Date My Mom” comes to mind), once you’re able to get past the notion that it is not a well-produced, exhilarating game show (and never will be what you hoped it would be), its possible to see how the new American Gladiators is one of the funniest shows of all time.
Take the spoon-fed lines the contestants have to say before each event. They’re ridiculous, awkward and completely without humor. When one contestant says “These gladiators are such good athletes—the Raiders could use them” it goes beyond simply not being funny. As he says it you can imagine a tumbleweed rolling by and crickets chirping over the deafening silence. But when you watch him say it again with the knowledge that this contestant was forced to say the line on national TV with artificial enthusiasm while keeping a straight face—it becomes hilarious.
Then there’s the token overweight referee. Who better to officiate a competition that marks the pinnacle of athletic achievement than a fat white guy? The producers should take it up a notch and actually have him sit there and eat a cheeseburger while refereeing Powerball.
Some other good things about the show…
–Titan. The guy lookes like a stoned Jay Mohr in a body suit. I can’t look at him without laughing. I’m also a big fan of Justice. His costume actually makes him look like a cartoon character. He could be one of the X-Men or have his own video game.
–The unnecessary crotch bulges. I think the hilarity in that is self-explanatory.
–The invigorating and sad music that plays when competitors are winning or struggling. It’s simply terrible. So terrible it’s awesome. The same goes for playing “Another One Bites the Dust” when somebody falls off the joust platform.”
–Earthquake, a new event where contenders wrestle on an unbalanced platform. I actually think this should be an Olympic sport. It combines the normal skills or wrestling with finer points of physics regarding weight distribution and balance. Imagine how much fun it would be to watch if it involved professionals with arsenals of escape moves and the knowledge of how to tilt the platform to gain an advantage.
–The new Eliminator. Let’s face it—the old one was too easy. This one is long, but the fact that there’s a chance somebody won’t finish adds a whole new element.
–The new show is a lot more violent. In the first 10 minutes of the show two people got hurt and it really looks like the gladiators are trying to injure the contestants. If there’s one thing the American public loves it’s gratuitous violence.
And now here’s the other important thing about the show. I think it will be successful. When that contestant said the line about the Raiders, anybody who understands the concept of humor didn’t laugh. But I’m sure there are still 10 million people watching the show who did laugh. I also assume that every little thing on the show (from each gladiator, to each contestant, to each event) is based on heavy market research. That means that something about the show is appealing to America’s subconscious. Finally, the show is made like a shitty reality show. That’s the bottom line. For that reason the purist American Gladiators fans (and sports fans) will hate it, but in the end that’s what will make America like it.
To conclude—the new show will never be something I’ll look forward to watching every Monday night, but I’ll keep a few episodes stashed on my DVR and I’ll be happy they’re there when I’m bored at 3 in the morning. Frankly, that’s more than I can say about most of the stuff on TV.