(Every week there are a number of stories slip through the cracks here at ShakedownSports. These are just a few of them.)
–Tom Brady was named NFL MVP after receiving 49 out of the possible 50 votes. Brett Favre came in a distant 2nd, but it’s just as well he didn’t win. There’s no doubt some horrible tragedy (probably hurricane destruction) would have befallen the award if it was put in Favre’s possession.
–Major League Baseball and the NFL have each pledged $3 million to the USOC to fund anti-doping research. Hey that’s good. Instead of spending money on immediately ridding their leagues of performance enhancing drugs, MLB and the NFL are spending money so that they can ignore a bunch of new research ten years from now.
–The World Series Trophy will go on a mini-tour in the state of Connecticut. I’m really not sure this is a good idea—there are a lot of Yankee fans in Connecticut. The Red Sox should make sure to do extensive background checks on everybody who wants to see the trophy—or at least make them correctly answer a few Red Sox trivia questions. The team does not want to let any Yankee fans steal some of the aura of the trophy.
–A woman who was assaulted by a drunken Dodger fan in the stadium parking lot back in 2005 is suing the team for $1 million for failing to adequately protect her. The team says that at the time all their security was busy protecting Eric Gagne’s latest shipment of steroids.
Since it the WGA strike began, its affects have been felt in almost all aspects of the television industry. Fortunately, sports are one area that’s emerged relatively unscathed—until now. The lack of original prime time programming on network television is going to lead to an increase in broadcasts of figure skating.
A schedule change owing peripherally to the writers’ strike will give the sport two nights in prime time during the U.S. Championships later this month in St. Paul.
And NBC, the U.S. Figure Skating Association’s new broadcast partner, promises significant promotion of the telecasts, according to spokesman Mike McCarley.
Note to self: Do not watch NBC.
Why? That’s my question. Are Seinfeld re-runs that expensive? Why show figure skating? It’s the most boring television sport of all time—and that’s completely independent of the fact that I care more about the fate of Croatian national basketball team that I do about the World’s top 100 figure skaters combined.
Heading into the strike the writers and the studios all had a set cost they were willing to endure. Obviously neither side has reached that cost, but perhaps they weren’t taking into account an increase in figure skating. Could this now make it worthwhile for them to end the strike and push the sides into agreement? We’ll have to wait and see.
The battle gearing up between Roger Clemens and Brian McNamee (the man who allegedly punctured the skin of Clemens’ ass with a steroid needle) is underway and has no clear end in sight. But before everybody gets swept up in talk of legal strategy, witnesses, and finely crafted statements, we should all take a step back and appreciate how this is one of most interesting and unique legal and PR battles of all time.
Basically, the whole thing amounts to a simple “he said/she said” fight. Two people claim they are telling the truth and that the other is lying. Only one can be right. This sort of thing has probably going on since the beginning of time. I’m sure that on the banks of the Euphrates River in good ol’ Mesopotamia there were countless times where a shepherd’s sheep west missing and there were only two suspects. Each suspect would claim they were innocent and that the other shepherd was lying.
What’s remarkable about the Clemens-McNamee dispute is that every part of it is playing out in the public eye. More than any event in recent memory (except perhaps O.J.) it doesn’t matter who the judge thinks is telling the truth. The court of public opinion is the only thing that matters. Sure, the judge will be sitting there banging his gavel, but Clemens doesn’t care what he thinks. He only cares what the American people think (and what the Hall of Fame voters will think 5 years from now).
The other remarkable thing about the lawsuit is that there’s really nothing tangible (such as a sheep) at stake. The whole battle is over the abstract idea of Clemens’ “legacy” and “good name.” Usually most defamation suits that are about a “good name” are actually about money, this one really isn’t. Both Clemens’ playing days and big-money endorsement days are over. This might be the first defamation of character lawsuit in the history of the world that actually is solely about the defamation of a person’s character, and not the money affected by that character.
In the end it all comes down to this: Do you believe the testimony of guy who had nothing to gain from talking (and probably a good deal to lose), or do you believe the guy who refused to talk to the people investigating steroids and only issued a delayed and calculated denial after he was implicated?
(Just for the record, I think Clemens took steroids—a lot them. I’m basing this on two things. The first is that Clemens suddenly got really good at pitching at a time when biology suggests other things should have been happening. The second is that arguably the two most dubious things in the Mitchell Report (the paragraphs about Brian Roberts and Andy Pettite) have been proven to be true—so why should we doubt a piece of the Mitchell Report that seems extremely plausible?)
After a lengthy 17 minutes of careful thinking about the new American Gladiators, I have finally decided that yes, it’s so bad, it’s good.The show is even so bad, it’s really good.So what if it’s made like a shitty MTV reality show (”Date My Mom” comes to mind), once you’re able to get past the notion that it is not a well-produced, exhilarating game show (and never will be what you hoped it would be), its possible to see how the new American Gladiators is one of the funniest shows of all time.
Take the spoon-fed lines the contestants have to say before each event.They’re ridiculous, awkward and completely without humor.When one contestant says “These gladiators are such good athletes—the Raiders could use them” it goes beyond simply not being funny.As he says it you can imagine a tumbleweed rolling by and crickets chirping over the deafening silence.But when you watch him say it again with the knowledge that this contestant was forced to say the line on national TV with artificial enthusiasm while keeping a straight face—it becomes hilarious.
Then there’s the token overweight referee.Who better to officiate a competition that marks the pinnacle of athletic achievement than a fat white guy?The producers should take it up a notch and actually have him sit there and eat a cheeseburger while refereeing Powerball.
Some other good things about the show…
–Titan.The guy lookes like a stoned Jay Mohr in a body suit.I can’t look at him without laughing.I’m also a big fan of Justice.His costume actually makes him look like a cartoon character.He could be one of the X-Men or have his own video game.
–The unnecessary crotch bulges.I think the hilarity in that is self-explanatory.
–The invigorating and sad music that plays when competitors are winning or struggling.It’s simply terrible.So terrible it’s awesome.The same goes for playing “Another One Bites the Dust” when somebody falls off the joust platform.”
–Earthquake, a new event where contenders wrestle on an unbalanced platform.I actually think this should be an Olympic sport.It combines the normal skills or wrestling with finer points of physics regarding weight distribution and balance.Imagine how much fun it would be to watch if it involved professionals with arsenals of escape moves and the knowledge of how to tilt the platform to gain an advantage.
–The new Eliminator.Let’s face it—the old one was too easy.This one is long, but the fact that there’s a chance somebody won’t finish adds a whole new element.
–The new show is a lot more violent.In the first 10 minutes of the show two people got hurt and it really looks like the gladiators are trying to injure the contestants. If there’s one thing the American public loves it’s gratuitous violence.
And now here’s the other important thing about the show.I think it will be successful.When that contestant said the line about the Raiders, anybody who understands the concept of humor didn’t laugh.But I’m sure there are still 10 million people watching the show who did laugh.I also assume that every little thing on the show (from each gladiator, to each contestant, to each event) is based on heavy market research.That means that something about the show is appealing to America’s subconscious.Finally, the show is made like a shitty reality show.That’s the bottom line. For that reason the purist American Gladiators fans (and sports fans) will hate it, but in the end that’s what will make America like it.
To conclude—the new show will never be something I’ll look forward to watching every Monday night, but I’ll keep a few episodes stashed on my DVR and I’ll be happy they’re there when I’m bored at 3 in the morning. Frankly, that’s more than I can say about most of the stuff on TV.
Last night LSU finally put an end to a college football season everybody would like to forget (well, everybody except LSU, Appalachian St., and that guy from Missouri who finally felt the sweet touch of a woman after the Tigers beat Kansas.) Les Miles’ team played very well, and in doing so they erased the memory of some poor performances and left people with a good feeling about the recipient of the National Championship trophy. I am thankful for this because it means the college football chatter will finally give way to less hackneyed topics (such as college basketball). Here are three other things I’m extremely thankful for:
–The highlight of the game: Chris Rose asking Les Miles “It’s been an amazing year…what did you learn about your kids that you didn’t know about them back in August?” and having Miles respond “nothing.”Rose had been working on that question for five weeks.After careful consideration those were the words he chose to preface Miles’ first post-championship comments.And thenMiles fucked it all up by saying “Nothing.” Miles went on to answer the question like Rose expected, but the look on Rose’s face right after Miles said “nothing” was priceless.
–The kids from TrinityUniversity celebrating after winning the Pontiac Game Changing Performance of the Year. You could tell the school just emailed the whole student body and asked “Who wants to be on TV?”, and then stuck all the kids who said “yes” in front of a camera. What a bizarre thing to jump up and down and feign excitement for. I wonder if next year kids will be wearing sweatshirts around campus that say “TrinityUniversity: 2007 Pontiac Game Changing Play Winners.”
–Anything having to do with Jonathan Zenon. Some day, at some level of football, he will string together a bunch of dominant games.At that time people will nickname him “The Element,” and think they’re very clever for doing so.
Some other BCS Title game thoughts…
–The next tactic to jump from the college game to the NFL is going to be Les Miles’ lead blockers on quarterback sneaks. On QB sneaks LSU lines up a player in tight with the line on each side of the quarterback. When the ball is snapped they lurch forward and effectively function as lead blockers. It’s ingenious, it almost never fails, and it’s going to be used by every team in football very soon.
–Did you see that Todd Boekman run on the Buckeys’ first drive of the 3rd quarter. The guy runs like a gazelle.I’m pretty sure I mean that as a compliment.
–What a huge roughing the kicker call on Ohio State early in the 2nd half. I actually think (at least in the NFL) that roughing the kicker should be abolished for the most part. Obviously a defender shouldn’t be able to do anything that would draw a roughing the passer penalty, but if the defender comes close to blocking the kick why not let him hit the kicker. Sure, in the long run a few more punters might get hurt, but it would bring back the kick-block game. I think that’s worth the cost of a few strained groins.
–How does it feel Michigan?How do you like your coach now? You better hope Rich Rodriguez’s spread-option works in the Big Ten or you’ll be wishing you had offered Miles whatever he wanted—or at least rigged the SEC Championship game so LSU would loose and Miles wouldn’t have to abandon a National Championship team to take the job. That actually brings up a good question. Should Michigan have fired Lloyd Carr earlier in the season so they could get Miles before LSU got deep into the postseason?Or would that have been going to far—both in terms of disrespecting Carr and excessively messing with LSU. The world may never know.
Oklahoma City has set a date in early March to vote on a 1 cent sales tax that will be used to fund improvements to the Ford Center in the hope of landing an NBA team (don’t tell Seattle residents, but it’s the Sonics).
Whenever there’s a vote like this I always wonder what the people with no interest in professional sports are thinking. They don’t give a shit about luring the Sonics to their city. What they give a shit about is having to pay 1 cent more for toilet paper.
Imagine if all of the sudden you had to pay a few cents more so your city could build a $200 million museum dedicated to the history of ballet. You would flip your shit. (That’s sort of what happened in Pittsburgh—after using taxpayer funds to build stadiums for the Steelers and Pirates, the good citizens had enough. They turned their backs on giving the Penguins a new arena and the team nearly left town. Fortunately, the good people who build slot machines and casinos were able to step in and provide some funding.)
Anyway, when it comes to the Oklahoma City vote I picture a horde of angry old ladies storming city hall and claiming how they put their kids through college with pennies and they won’t surrender those precious cents so that a bunch of hoodlums can play basketball.
Of course there are other benefits that come with having an NBA team in your city (benefits besides an increase in the bling industry). These include increased tourism, an influx of money into the local economy, and a state of the art facility that can be used for Hannah Montana concerts.
Even if they don’t see all these benefits, I’m sure the Oklahoma City residents will approve the tax. They desperately need a professional sports team to get over what I assume is a terrible inferiority complex from nobody caring about their insignificant mid-western (or is it mountain-western) lives. If that’s not enough, the possibility of running into Johan Petro at the supermarket will seal the deal.
The Steelers were trailing 28-17. Cedric Wilson had just caught a pass that gave his team a first down at the Jags 14-yard line. There was only one thing the Jags could do. It was time for some trash talk.
Brian Williams, the man who made the tackle, started jawing with Wilson. Hines Ward then stepped into the fray and he and Williams went at it—Ward undoubtedly telling Williams the lead was slipping away, and Williams surely responding with some variation of “look at the scoreboard.”
It was at that moment I realized that trash-talking is the NFL’s version of a hockey fight. It has no rhyme or reason, and no direct effect on the game. But when things aren’t going well you just do it in the hope of swinging momentum in your favor.
That moment in Pittsburgh was like when a hockey team has their 3-0 lead cut to 3-2. But instead of sending out an enforcer to start a fight (I don’t know what it is about watching two guys pummel each other that makes a hockey team to take it up a notch) Brian Williams decided to talk some trash. Unfortunately, Hines Ward is one of the best in the business. The guy is the Chris Pronger of the NFL—not only is he’s a great player, but you better not try and swing momentum by messing with him.
Considering that the Steelers went on to score 12 straight points, I think it’s safe to say that Ward won the battle. Now if only the refs had called holding on any of the four Jacksonville linemen who were holding on David Garrard’s 4th down scramble.
(That’s right, I’m going there. Get ready for a rant.)
Watch the video. The Steelers had the play defended perfectly. Troy Polamalu came on a blitz to the outside forcing Garrard to step up. James Harrison started up field, but then cut back to fill the running lane. The only problem was that Khalif Barnes had a firm hold on the jersey and so he couldn’t fill the running lane. You can also see Brett Kiesel and Casey Hampton getting tackled on the play. And guess what? Larry Foote thinks he was held too.
Yeah, I’m a bitter Steelers fan, but I just can’t get over how the league can allow referees to determine the outcome of a game. It all started with the bogus holding call on Sean Mahan that negated Hines Ward’s two point conversion catch. The refs hadn’t called holding all game. What were they thinking? Were they bored? Did they think people would forget about them? Then because the officials called it once, they had to give the Steelers a make-up call on the Jags next drive. The only problem then was that after the 2nd holding call the refs basically put a moratorium on holding calls for the rest of the game. So after completely screwing over the Steelers they decided to stay out of it. Thanks guys. Again. I mean it. From the bottom of my heart.
(Every week there are a number of stories that slip through the cracks here at ShakedownSports. Here are just a few of them.)
–On Sunday night Roger Clemens will appear on 60 Minutes to deny that he took steroids. Unfortunately, about 40 minutes into the show Clemens severely damages his credibility when he denies he has ever appeared on 60 Minutes.
–Jose Canseco finalized a book deal for a sequel to “Juiced” that is tentatively titled “Vindicated.” Canseco says the book will be a lot like the Mitchell Report, only he won’t leave out all the guys on the Red Sox who did steroids.
–The Bucs and Ticketmaster announced they will no longer restrict sales of tickets to the Bucs-Giants game to Florida residents. Hey look, something that could maybe, kind of, possibly be construed as a victory for the Hillary Clinton campaign.
–ESPN is reporting that the Celtics lead the NBA in merchandise sales. The team credits the sales to new add campaign in which Kevin Garnett threatens to eat Boston residents if they don’t buy jerseys. If this keeps up, Brian Scalabrine could have himself a post-NBA career as an Abercrombie model.
The Giants coaching staff did a lot of good things on Sunday. Then in the blink of an eye they put on a coaching clinic on how to let the Patriots beat you. Let’s begin early in the 4th quarter with the Giants facing 3rd and 11 and clinging to a 28-23 lead. Tom Coughlin and offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride decided to call conservative little quick out that resulted in a four yard gain and a punt.
Um…are the Giants insane? Were they trying to lose? (Those are all serious questions by the way.) How could they basically forfeit a posession when they knew they would need one or two more touchdowns to win the game? A quick out is an ok call if you can realistically expect to win the game 28-23. The Giants could not do that.
Let’s pick up the action again a mere 60 seconds later. The Patriots face 3rd and 10 from their own 35. Up until that point the Giants had been able to put an incredible amount of pressure on Tom Brady with just three and four man rushes. There was absolutely no reason for the Giants to ever leave their secondary shorthanded by blitzing. So what did the Giants do? They blizted, and Randy Moss caught a 65-yard touchdown pass. It was only a five man rush, but that was still 1-2 more rushers than the Giants needed. Take away those two awful decisions by the Giants coaching staff and at this moment Bill Belichick might be starting at that ugly little “1″ in his loss column.
Don’t Play Games With Keith Traylor
The Dolphins suspended Keith Traylor for Sunday’s game after the defensive tackle got into an “altercation” with two teammates on the team plane. The reason for the altercation has finally been revealed—it all began with some trash talking over an airplane game of dominos. Somebody call Samuel L. Jackson.
—Andy Reid is so paranoid about the Philly media he didn’t even want to tell them that Kevin Kolb was the team’s backup quarterback for Sunday’s game. “I just didn’t want [the media] making a big stink about it and I didn’t have to answer all of your questions,” Reid said.
—The Bills got a break with their travel schedule next year. And look, the Patriots got screwed. This is the beginning of the end for you Belichick. (Also, Randy Moss was overtaken by Mason Crosby.)
—The Falcons season is finally over. That means it’s time to take a field trip to Virginia.
—The Jets finally did something to stop the drunken “show us your tits” abuse that goes on in their stadium.
—Winston Justice’s reign as the worst offensive lineman of all time may now be over. Congratulations Winston.
The 12th Man Continues to be a Bandwagon Fan
At halftime of Sunday night’s game the Colts added a “12th Man” inscription to the team’s Ring of Honor, making them the latest team to jump on the whole “we appreciate our fans” fad. Perhaps now Texas A&M and the Seahawks can put their differences aside and join forces to sue the Colts for using the term. Of course if that did happen the Colts would just say that the 12th man doesn’t refer to the crowd, but rather the guy who pumps in crowd noise when the Colts are on defense.
So Long Brian Billick
It’s tough to say whether firing Brian Billick was the right move. He never did bring any offensive firepower to Baltimore, but he won a Super Bowl and the team exceeded expectations last year by about 9 wins. Then this year he had to play most of the season without his starting cornerbacks and with Kyle Boller as his starting quarterback. The one game the Ravens were relatively healthy (against the Patriots) Billick showed what kind of things he could do with the team. Still, sometimes it’s best to just cut the cord and start fresh—that certainly worked this year for the Steelers when they chose Mike Tomlin over Ken Whisenhunt or Russ Grimm. And so, I bid you farewell Coach Billick. You will always have your place in NFL history for winning a Super Bowl with Trent Dilfer.
It’s Time for Assistant Coaches in the Playoffs to Get Screwed
The Dallas Cowboys are one of a few playoff teams whose coaching staff is in high demand from teams seeking new leadership (the Falcons are already swirling overhead.) The thing is, it’s likely that none of the Dallas assistants will get jobs because the NFL idiotically allows teams to hire new coaches before the playoffs end. If Jason Garret goes to an interview he might take a few hours off from watching tape of the Cowboys upcoming opponent in order to prepare. But if an assistant from a non-playoff team gets an interview, he has days or even weeks to prepare. Who do you think is going to get the job? This is one reason it took so long for guys like Marvin Lewis and Ken Whisenhunt to become head coaches. It’s time for the NFL to do something about it.
Stat O’ the Week
168. The number of catches Marques Colston has in his first two NFL seasons. That’s the most ever by anybody in their first two years.
European Football Goal O’ the Week
Julio Baptista’s right foot makes all the difference in Real Madrid’s 1-0 win over Barcelona
. I’m sure that on the banks of the Euphrates River in good ol’ Mesopotamia there were countless times where a shepherd’s sheep west missing and there were only two suspects. Each suspect would claim they were innocent and that the other shepherd was lying.
–Titan.
Brian Williams, the man who made the tackle, started jawing with Wilson. Hines Ward then stepped into the fray and he and Williams went at it—Ward undoubtedly telling Williams the lead was slipping away, and Williams surely responding with some variation of “look at the scoreboard.”
