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Attention loyal Shakedownsports readers: I’ve decided to do more liveblogging. Why? Because there’s a lot of stuff I want to write, but I forget it because I’m too lazy to write it down at the time. I’m not sure when all this liveblogging will happen—it will most likely be arbitrary and without warning. Sometimes I might just decide to liveblog random 40 minute stretches of whatever is on TV.

First up is tonight’s Maryland Duke game. Joining me today is my older brother, one of many proud former Maryland students. Let’s get to it.

7:02—Mike Patrick draws a blank while going through his prepared intro and to fill the dead air he ends up calling Md.-Duke the best rivalry in college basketball. Umm…maybe…if you don’t count a bunch of other rivalries.

7:06—Bambale Osby stuffs a Kyle Singler dunk attempt. It might be the block of the year. (Blocks are always much better when they involve a white guy and a black guy. If the white guy gets blocked by a black guy its funny and pathetic. If the white white guy blocks a black guy than it’s a crazy improbably play. Singler’s dunk attempt was funny and pathetic.

7:10—Osby makes another unbelievable block, only this time a questionable foul is called. “Henderson was in Bambale’s vertical space!” my brother yells. On the next possession Osby misses 5 straight layups and then beats Paulus to grab the loose ball outside the three point line. Where’s the hustle, Greg?

7:14—Brian Zoubek comes into the game for Duke. I don’t know why. I always root for Duke to lose, and I’m happy when he comes into the game. That should tell you something, Coach K.

7:15—Kyle Singler hits a jumper on the move, showcasing the NBA ready game that Mike Krzyzewski has no idea how to utilize. (Also see: Henderson, Gerald)

7:17—Zoubek tries to chase down a long rebound, but instead of recklessly diving into the stands and risking injury like Coach K teaches, he just tries to keep his feet in bounds. That’s a first for a Duke player.

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The only thing today’s Clemens-McNamee hearings made clear is that politicians are just like us. Some believe McNamee, some believe Clemens, and none are going to have their opinions swayed by any testimony. With minds already made up, today’s proceedings added no real insight we couldn’t have gotten from overhearing two drunk guys in a bar arguing about the situation.

But there is one Congresswoman whose close-mindedness and ignorance I have to mention. That woman is Virginia Foxx.

Her entire line of questioning basically amounted to “Roger, tell us what a great pitcher you are and how you couldn’t have used performance enhancers.” Then she put up a bunch of photos from different times  in Clemens’ career in which he looks very different, and pronounced there was no difference in his appearance. The pro-Clemens rhetoric was so astounding I expected her to get up from her chair, walk over to Clemens’ table, and put his balls in her mouth. She even had to be silenced by the gavel of Chairman Waxman because she was interrupting others in order to defend Clemens.

That was bad enough, but was happened after the hearing is what inspired the vitriol in this post. Immediately after Waxman announced the hearing was over Foxx got up from her chair, walked to witness table, and shook Clemens’ hand and hugged his wife. (Watch the video. It’s on there. I hope to have a photo of it up soon.)

How is that acceptable? She’s supposed to be an impartial arbiter. And if she’s not, she should at least have the guise of impartiality. It’s one thing for her line of questioning to favor Clemens—most of the people on the panel picked a side. But to publicly display her affection for one witness while the cameras are rolling and everybody is still in the room is absurd, unprofessional, and even corrupt. Oh by the way, Foxx was one of only 11 members of Congress to vote against giving aid to Katrina victims. (There’s nothing like drudging up old voting records to attack a person’s character)

Making the full transition from sports to politics, this is one reason why I’m so excited about Barack Obama. He often talks about creating transparency in the government and putting more of what it does on TV. After today I’m even more in favor of that idea. In five minutes of watching Foxx talk I learned more about her than I would have from closely following her campaign for months. I learned how she actually does her job. (The answer is not very well). When was the last time you could say that about a member of Congress?

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What would you do for Duke-UNC tickets? If you answered “stand in front of a thousand people and drink a mixture of raw eggs, feathers, and leg hair while dressed in a speedo,” well, somebody already did it.

The aforementioned display of human ingenuity was part of UNC’s annual “What Would You Do For Dook Tickets” contest, the place where students can be their true disgusting selves and still maintaining an air of socially acceptability. In case you were wondering, the team that finished 2nd drank a mixture of raw fish, clam juice, wet dog food, cheez whiz, and tobacco dip spit.

Nice work. You really showed Duke who’s better. Dogs don’t even eat wet dog food.

Anyway, I’m not mentioning all of this to show the great failures in our education system. I’m mentioning this because in many ways UNC’s contest is an excellent (and by “excellent” I mean “economically efficient”) method of giving out tickets.

The way to generate the most utility is to give the tickets to the people who value them the most. The easiest way to do that is to give them to the people who are willing to pay the most. Unfortunately, this isn’t fair to the people currently going through monetary complications. We live in a relatively moral society, and that’s why most tickets are not sold in auction by Sotheby’s.

But there are other ways to get tickets to the people who value them the most. Regrettably, rather than thinking of a way to do this, many schools just have a lottery. This is why UNC’s contest is so great. It’s a non-monetary way for students to show that they value the tickets the most. Sure, it discriminates against people with weak stomachs, but that’s better than discriminating against poor college students.

Here’s my point. Schools should try harder to find a way to get tickets into the hands of students who want them the most. Why not reserve a few hundred tickets and have a series of contests. Give some to people who wait in line the longest. For people who don’t have that kind of time, there could be a trivia contest or a short essay contest. Almost anything can be used as a way to find those students who will get the most utility out of their tickets. It won’t solve the mortgage crisis, but it will make a few die-hard college basketball fans a little happier.

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There’s a spot in the Mitchell Report where Brian McNamee mentions he spoke about steroids with Roger Clemens and Jose Canseco at a Canseco family house party. But yesterday a mysterious “lawyer” revealed that Canseco says Clemens was never at the party. Hmm. That is one crazy little story. Here’s what actually happened with Canseco and Clemens:

Two days ago Clemens sent Canseco a letter:

Dearest Jose,

My wife is an HGH-pumping freak. My son isn’t even good enough to make the Major Leagues. All I have in life is my athletic legacy. I need to hold on to that. I don’t care what the price is. I know you need money. If you sign a sworn statement for me, I will finance a Michael Bay movie for you. I will take care of you for the rest of your life. Do you know how much money I have? Last year they were paying me fifty grand for every pitch I threw. Sign these papers and I will be a bottomless ATM.

Sincerely,

Roger ( Customer #24)

It was a no-brainer for Canseco. The guy just wants to be filthy rich again. Is that too much to ask? That’s all he wants. To fade off into the sunset in a pile of expensive hookers and muscle creams. This will work out great for Canseco. His journey is over. He can finally rest.

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(Every week there are a number of stories slip through the cracks here at ShakedownSports. These are just a few of them.)

–Remember Brock Lesnar? He’s the former college and WWE wrestler who once tried to make the Vikings as a defensive lineman. Now he’s an MMA fighter and he just lost his debut. Not everything in this world is as easy as sacking Damon Huard.

–Rutgers coach Gregg Schiano has been using a helicopter to visit potential recruits in New Jersey and New York. Schiano says that not only is it much more efficient, but the “wow” factor of landing a helicopter on a football field is also useful. I don’t know if the “wow” factor actually has an effect, but the helicopter is definitely better than Schiano’s old strategy of showing up in an old Chevy reeking of New Jersey factory waste.

–Kobe Bryant is going to participate in this year’s three point shooting contest. I’m assuming Bryant’s publicist decided that since his client is attempting to exude an “I’m not a rapist” persona, it would be beneficial for him to stop repeatedly shafting his fans.

–Maurice Greene, the sprinter with a tattoo proclaiming himself the “Greatest of All Time,” is retiring. Greene cited nagging injuries for the decision, but we all know the real reason—he has to wait too long to take locker room shits because all the stalls are full of people injecting themselves with steroids.

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There’s something about this headline I find to be hilarious. Don’t worry Spencer, someday you’ll get a chance to prove you’re not a big white stiff. That day just isn’t today.

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Here’s how big it was. The Vegas casinos lost money on the game.

Keep in mind that the casinos are the only ones who really have an idea of what’s going to happen in a particular sporting event. Your favorite talking heads and sportswriters know nothing compared to the oddsmakers. That’s why they almost never lose money (that, and the 5% juice they’re taking). For the casinos to lose something truly improbable and unexpected must happen. Eli Manning winning a Super Bowl was exactly that.

In other news, the Shaq-Marion swap is now official, and there are a few things I want to add on top of what I said yesterday. First, there are going to be anywhere from 10-15 more minutes available to Suns bench players. A lot of those could go to Leandro Barbosa. Since Barbosa is awesome, I consider this a good thing. A few more minutes could also go to D.J. Strawberry, who was tearing up the D-League. This is also a good thing.

People also can’t underestimate is how Shaq will be energized by playing for a contender. He knows that he’s old and washed up, and that’s exactly why he’s going to bust his ass for one last shot at a title. He has two full months to get into shape–that should be plenty of time.

Finally, I want to emphasize how much Marion’s offensive numbers could be the result of playing with Steve Nash. Marion has shot 53% from the field over the last three years. That seems pretty high for a  guy who can’t shoot and doesn’t have any post moves. Don’t be surprised if Marion’s shooting percentage hover near 40% in Miami. If Marion is on your fantasy team, trade him now.

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Like 98.7% of the population, when I heard the Suns were thinking about trading Shawn Marion for Shaq I assumed it was the result of some too-easily procured medicinal marijuana cards. Why would the Suns trade their glue guy-superstar-extraordinaire for a slow, aging, overpaid fatty? How could they expect Shaq to function in that offense? He can’t run and he can’t shoot or roll off a pick and roll.

Since the trade seems so clearly idiotic, there’s only one conclusion I can make. Mike D’antoni and the Suns know something we don’t know and this is a great trade for them. Now I’m going to see if I can figure out why.

First, let’s take a look at Marion. The perception is that he’s the guy who holds the Suns together—he’s a defensive stopper who runs the floor, blocks shots, and snatches copious amounts of rebounds. But could Marion’s numbers just be a product of playing with Nash? There is a precedent. When Amare went down two years ago Boris Diaw came in and looked like an All-Star. But now that Amare is back running the pick-and-roll with Nash and Diaw has to create his own shot, he sucks again. It’s possible the Suns think they could replace Marion with little drop-off because Nash will ensure his replacement plays well.

An entirely different possibility is that Marion’s three point shooting is wasting too many possessions and Mike D’antoni is fed up. Things might be different if Marion didn’t shoot like somebody in the NBA all-star weekend celebrity game, but D’antoni won’t cut any slack to an ugly shot.

Let’s move on to Shaq. The big fella might not be able to run the break like Marion, but he doesn’t need to. If he can get down the court fast enough to get great position, that will be enough. Shaq baby hooks aren’t as high percentage of a play as streaking Marion dunks, but they’re close. On the defensive end Shaq will finally give the Suns a big shot blocker and rebounder (Sorry Amare, you’re neither).

So that’s how the trade could work for the Suns. As for how the trade could not work, all you need to do is look at all the “buy 9 double cheeseburgers, get the 10th free!” coupons Shaq has gone through this week.

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In the year 1066 William the Conquerer invented the first ticket so he could charge admission to peasants who wanted to see his spoils from the Battle of Hastings. Hours later the first counterfeit ticket was invented.

Anytime there’s a big sporting event it’s a given that there will be some crafty hustlers trying to make a buck off fake tickets. Sunday’s Super Bowl was no exception—nine men were arrested for selling forged tickets. The arrests came despite the fact that they adhered to the #1 one rule of counterfeit ticket scalping: If you’re caught, do whatever you can to destroy the evidence.

Police found 35 fake tickets before they could be flushed down a toilet, and five more before they could be eaten by one of the suspects.

There’s nothing like trying to keep a straight face as the scalper you’re arresting attempts to stuff five Super Bowl tickets down his throat. In the end, it was probably a good thing the tickets were forgeries. I hear the authentic hologram on the real tickets gives you explosive diarrhea.

While reading about the scalpers impromptu meal I couldn’t help but think of this classic scene from Saving Silverman.

Oh Jack Black. You and your crazy excuses.

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Well, that was a nice final 12 minutes. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again—a good pass rush will almost always make a Hall of Fame quarterback look like David Carr. The only thing that could have made the game more perfect is if Tom Coughlin had whipped out an Eric Mangini mask and a camcorder for his post-game handshake with Bill Belichick.

Speaking of Belichick, this was not one of his finest moments (or even one of his finest least fine moments). First there was his mind boggling decision to go for it on 4th and 13 from the Giants 31 yard-line. Clearly Belichick thought he had a 4th-and-13 play that was sure to work. Judging by the deep pass, he reasoned that if the offense had a good chance of scoring a touchdown on the play, that made the gamble worthwhile. Still, you have to give your kicker a chance to make a 48-yard kick indoors.

Then there was Belichick’s performance in the final second of the game. Look, I don’t care if Belichick deals with the league (regarding injury reports) and media (regarding press conferences) as little annoyances he can treat like shit. But leaving the field before the Super Bowl is over is disrespectful to the Giants and the game—way more disrespectful that running up the score could ever be. I think when Belichick has some time to think about it he’ll regret his behavior.

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