Shakedownsports.com

Yeah, that’s right. What makes you think you’re worthy of playing in an MLB spring training game? Why should you be able to play and not me? Who cares if you’re rich or famous. You can’t hit a baseball. That should be the prerequisite skill for hitting in a spring training game.

There are guys out there who work their asses off (with and without the assistance of steroids) just to get a single Spring training at bat. Even if they never get past Double A, the ones who make it to spring training know that on some level they’ve arrived; nobody gets to where they are unless they have what it takes.

Crystal’s appearance cheapens all that. One of the great things about professional sports is that you can’t buy your way into a game. At least I thought it was. I miss the good old days when celebrities weren’t allowed on the field unless it was to participate in some terrible all-star event.

I’m not scolding Crystal specifically. I shower insults on any celebrity who gets to take a couple swings so an MLB team can have some good publicity. That means you Garth Brooks. I don’t know how you managed to spend so much time with the Padres and have the only tip you picked up from Tony Gwynn be the fastest way to get from the Peoria Wendy’s to the Peoria Burger King.

One last thing. Why did Crystal have to play against the Pirates? It’s not enough that the Buccos are headed for their 37th straight losing season? The Yankees have to publicize the Pirates’ insignificance by choosing them as team against which they’ll bat a 60-year-old comedian in the leadoff spot. That’s just mean.

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I am not going to call Andy Roddick unpatriotic. I think associating patriotism with your country during the Olympics lost its flair with the fall of Communism and subsequent raping of the “amateur” event by sponsors. Now, watching the Olympics means you have more allegiance to NBC and PowerAde than your home country.

That being said, I am disappointed to hear that Roddick will not be representing our fine nation in Beijing in this summer. His reason for missing this year is the conflict the Olympics have with the Legg Mason Tennis Classic. Both take place over the same week in August.

Andy, I understand this is the only event you consistently win (titles in 2001, 2005, and 2007). And I understand you are preparing for the U.S. Open (the only Grand Slam title you have ever won… way back in 2003). But you, the best American tennis player right now, are really going to skip Beijing for a tournament in D.C. which will feature absolutely no one of significance? Your warm up for the U.S. Open is going to beat up on a dismal group of American tennis players? There is only one person you need to worry about, and that is the man who has won the last 4 U.S. Opens (that would be Roger Federer).

I think the Summer Olympics is overrated for a myriad of reasons. The loss of the amateur aspect. The over bearing sponsorship. The plethora of sports no one even knew existed. But another reason why the Olympic Games are not what it used to be (at least from an American perspective) is the lack of participation by our feature athletes. And when they do participate, in the case of basketball, it is now embarrassing. So Andy, I do not think you are unpatriotic: maybe just a little apathetic to your country’s desire.

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If I told you the “Polish Open” began yesterday, what image pops into your head? A sausage eating competition? A golf tournament on frozen, barren ground? A giant Catholic confession booth?

Enough suspense. It’s a poker tournament.

Yes, the European Poker Tour has made it to scenic Warsaw for the 2nd year in a row (and I’ve actually been to Warsaw, so when I say it’s scenic…well I’m still joking, but the city’s really not that ugly.)

Anyway, it’s nice to see that people from around the world are gathering for a “sporting” event in Poland. It’s only a matter of time before Roger Goodell and David Stern are dying to showcase their brand of athletic entertainment in the old country.

Hey, look at that. I got through the whole post without making a Holocaust joke. Good for me.

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It’s finally happened. Every single part of Dwyane Wades’ body is injured (according to WebMD.) Heat fans, the rest of the season will be ugly. I’m talking Shawn Marion-three pointer ugly.

But there may be a light at the end-of the tunnel? The Heat will be the worst team in the NBA this year. With a little lottery luck and a few minor health miracles inside Wade’s body, they could enter next season with nucleus of Wade, Marion, and Michael Beasley. Considering that Beasley will make the biggest rookie impact since Tim Duncan, that ain’t to shabby. Throw in a dime-a-dozen center who can block shots and rebound (a Samuel Dalembert/Brendan Haywood type), and a point guard who can play defense and not turn the ball over, and the Heat have themselves a playoff contender.

On the other hand, Miami could end up with Eric Gordon. He and Wade will fire 30 shots a game as the rest of the team stands around and watches their winning percentage drop below .300. Still, Heat fans have to be pleased with their 1-year turnaround potential. It’s much better than you would expect for a team that’s 28 games out of first place.

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Did anyone catch the shenanigans by the New Orleans Hornets team this last Wednesday night against the Hawks? After one of those mascots ripped the net during a botched trampoline-dunk and caused a 10-minute game delay, the Hornets provided some real entertainment to a delighted home crowd. Starting with a little dancing by rookie Julian Wright, the highlights continued with Jannero Pargo showing a well executed, behind-the-back, kick-the-ball-over-his-head pass. (Hey Professor, you taking notes for the 08’ AND 1 Tour?) Mike James then joined the show, with a Globetrotter-esque ball-spinning display. Even a 3 year old kid got involved, playing pass with Tyson Chandler near the bench.

The NBA is having a renaissance year, with more style and new levels of competition. A couple of ideas for David Stern to consider in the off-season to help continue entertaining the fans:

End of 1st Quarter – Half Court shot contest: Each teams picks five players to take a shot from half-court. I have seen players do this during warm-ups, and some of these guys can hit with a pretty decent percentage. The team with the best of five receives three extra points. A tie leads to a one-shot sudden death, and in the event of no winner, no points are awarded.

Half-time – Slam Dunk Contest: How awesome was this year’s All-Star contest? NBA players spend ample time in practices showing off and practicing new things. These are physically gifted athletes who can do some pretty creative things. Let them showcase their talents for fans. Each team sends out one player, who gets two attempts for one dunk. The announcers will be the judges. Winning team gets 5 points.

End of 3rd Quarter – Free for All: Here is the really fun one. A team is given 30 seconds to do something creative for fans. No rules. It can be team passing, dribbling around cones, alley-oops, blindfolded free throws, etc. Just let the team, with however many players they want, do something creative for the fans. Do you know how much time NBA players will spend devising skits and creative team plays? Have you seen these guys dance before a games, or goof around during practice? A panel of 3 fans is selected, and the winner gets 5 points.

So there you have it. Let’s take the creativity of the AND 1 street teams with the showmanship of the Harlem Globetrotters, and let the most talented basketball players on the planet show us what they got. Mr. Stern, I await your response.

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Brett Favre has officially left the lucrative life of an NFL quarterback to take the poor and destitute life of an undercompensated NFL veteran. I’d like to take his retirement to lash out against one of my most hated practices. Official statements that contribute nothing to society.

Here is Roger Goodell’s official statement on Favre’s retirement:

Brett Favre will always be remembered as one of the greatest players and fiercest competitors in NFL history. His long list of accomplishments both on and off the field is remarkable. Brett’s talent, enthusiasm and love of the game helped him become the only player to earn three MVP awards and he was a vital part of bringing a Super Bowl championship back to Green Bay. It has been a joy and privilege for all of us to watch him play. We wish Brett, Deanna and their family all the best and hope he will stay connected to the game that he honored with his brilliant play for so many years.

Yay. That just wasted 20 seconds of my life and I can never get them back. Would it have been so hard for Goodell to say something that doesn’t make it obvious the NFL’s 17-year-old office intern wrote the statement for him? Better yet, he could be brutally honest. Say how the NFL really views Favre’s retirement.

Here’s what Goodell’s statement should have said:

Brett Favre will always be remembered as having one of the greatest stretches of four great years followed by nine mediocre years followed by one great year in NFL history. Brett had talent, but it was his manly good looks which allowed him to become a media darling who was praised regardless of his performance. It was a joy to watch him play from 1994-1998 and we hope that his retirement does not decrease the amount of money people from Wisconsin choose to spend on the NFL.

That’s the kind of statement that gives people the Favre-retirement closure they crave.

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Almost $800 million dollars have been spent in a whirlwind of a free-agent signing period. Teams have been re-signing and shaking up their lineups faster than McFadden’s 40 yard combine time. So here are the early big signings:

1. Ben Roethlisberger – Pittsburgh Steelers
(8 years - $102 million / $36 million guaranteed)

Ok, this one is a no-brainer. Except for the hiccup of a season following his motorcycle accident, Roethlisberger has been one of the most consistent QBs in the league. If you do not count 2006, Roethlisberger’s QB rating has been 98.1, 98.6, and 104.1 each successive year. In those three seasons, he did not throw more than 11 interceptions in a season, and his TDs grew from 17 his first two season to 32 last year. Oh, and he won a Super Bowl his sophomore season. His salary is exactly what a top tier QB is worth in this league. The Steelers have guaranteed to be a threat in the AFC North for years to come.

2. Donte Stallworth – Cleveland Browns
(7 years - $35 million / $10 million gauranteed)

Great pickup for the Browns, who are looking to improve on their surprise 11 win season last year. After re-signing Derek Anderson, the Browns next priority was giving him a viable deep threat, and at $5 million a year, Stallworth is a great deal. Under utilized with the Eagles and then overshadowed in the Pats offensive juggernaut, Stallworth will be an excellent complement to Braylon Edwards and Joe Jerevicious. Even though Anderson had a breakout year, his numbers (82.5 QB rating, 7.19 yds/attempt) were not particularly mind blowing. Especially with the uncertainty surrounding Kellen Winslow, Stallworth will help take the Browns to the next level and hopefully a playoff berth.

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(Editor’s note: Please welcome our latest contributor…nospunzone!! He promises to write about things other than Braves baseball.)

Well, it’s March, and you know what that means. Trying to research all those bubble and mid-level conference teams you haven’t even heard of so your March Madness bracket won’t suck as much this year? Staying up past midnight to see the latest in the ever exciting Western Conference NBA playoff race? No silly, its spring training in places such as Florida and Arizona. That’s right, opening day is less than a month away, and after all the monotony and drudgery that was the congressional hearings, here are the top five things to look forward to this 2008 MLB season:

1. Yanks v. Sox VXXVIIII

How many years are we into this rivalry? Say what you want about media (over) exposure, but this is the best rivalry in all of professional sports. You can’t go two weeks, even in the off season, without adding a new chapter to the feud to end all feuds (“Red Sox Nation” What a bunch of &%!# that is.” is my personal favorite Hank Steinbrenner quote. Who could figure a tour-de-force as arrogant and loud mouthed as his dad would make an immediate impact (if not managerially, at least giving the media plenty of writing material)? ). And this year it even got better. Red Sox nation looking for their third championship in five years (imagine being that greedy after a 86 year draught), and the fans in New York furious that their Bean-town rivals have 2 World Series rings this century, while the Yanks have none. Neither team has tweaked their lineups too much, although the Yankees obviously needed a little more help. Instead, they let Joe Torre hop on a jet plane for the West coast. So say what you want about hearing non-stop about the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox, but in an era clouded by cheating and insincerity, there is nothing more pure (and character saving) for MLB than the greatest rivalry ever.

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“They wanted me to sacrifice things so we could win.”

That’s the money quote form Larry Hughes about his time with the Cavs. Coincidentally, it’s also how I felt about my little league baseball coach.

Hughes’ most obvious deviation from standard athlete-speak is his declaration that it’s not worth sacrificing certain things to win. You know what, I’ll let that slide. What’s the point in winning if you’re not having fun?

What’s alarming about the quote is that Hughes seems to have been unaware of Lebron James’ presence on the roster. He really didn’t expect to make sacrifices? He thought Lebron would be the one deferring to him? Hughes was obviously confused when he signed that $65 million contract. Now the only thing for him to be confused by is Joakim Noah’s locker room hygiene routines.

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Turn on the television or open a newspaper and everybody agrees the big NFL free agent winners are the Jets and the Jaguars. Um…why?

Let’s start with the Jaguars, who decided it was a good idea to give Drayton Florence $36 million. So what if last year he was arguably the 2nd or 3rd best cornerback on one of the worst pass defenses in the league. That’s no reason not to give him a $13 million signing bonus. (The Chargers defense did rank 14th in passing yards per game, but considering their unstoppable pass rush, the secondary was atrocious).

Unfortunately, that wasn’t all the Jags did. The team decided the solution to its receiving woes was to give Jerry Porter $30 million (with $10 mil guaranteed). It didn’t seem to occur to them that they’re paying a guy who caught 45 passes over the last two years like a guy who caught 45 passes over the last 8 games. It also didn’t occur to the Jags that Porter is already 29 years old—the same age at which Randy Moss was supposedly washed up last year (and so what if Moss ended up having a career year—Jerry Porter is no Randy Moss). But don’t worry Jags fans, to create the cap space for these moves all the team had to do was give away Marcus Stroud to the Bills. Joseph Addai will be sure to express his gratitude when he’s running running through your defense next year.

Next up, the Jets. I won’t even mention them giving $65 million to two lineman over the age of 30. At least the O-line is a crucial position at which adequate replacements can be hard to find. What interests me is a Mr. Calvin Pace.

Pace is a former 1st round pick who wasn’t able to secure a regular spot in the Cardinals vaunted defense until last year, his 5th in the league. Once in the lineup every Sunday, Pace had an average year—80 tackles, 6.5 sacks. The Jets obviously thought his year was above average, and by “above average” I mean “one of the best ever.” The team gave him a $42 million contract that will make him one of the richest linebackers in history. Lance Briggs is not going to be happy about this.

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