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I am not going to call Andy Roddick unpatriotic. I think associating patriotism with your country during the Olympics lost its flair with the fall of Communism and subsequent raping of the “amateur” event by sponsors. Now, watching the Olympics means you have more allegiance to NBC and PowerAde than your home country.

That being said, I am disappointed to hear that Roddick will not be representing our fine nation in Beijing in this summer. His reason for missing this year is the conflict the Olympics have with the Legg Mason Tennis Classic. Both take place over the same week in August.

Andy, I understand this is the only event you consistently win (titles in 2001, 2005, and 2007). And I understand you are preparing for the U.S. Open (the only Grand Slam title you have ever won… way back in 2003). But you, the best American tennis player right now, are really going to skip Beijing for a tournament in D.C. which will feature absolutely no one of significance? Your warm up for the U.S. Open is going to beat up on a dismal group of American tennis players? There is only one person you need to worry about, and that is the man who has won the last 4 U.S. Opens (that would be Roger Federer).

I think the Summer Olympics is overrated for a myriad of reasons. The loss of the amateur aspect. The over bearing sponsorship. The plethora of sports no one even knew existed. But another reason why the Olympic Games are not what it used to be (at least from an American perspective) is the lack of participation by our feature athletes. And when they do participate, in the case of basketball, it is now embarrassing. So Andy, I do not think you are unpatriotic: maybe just a little apathetic to your country’s desire.

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It’s Wednesday, and that means its time for another patented ShakedownSports conspiracy theory. Today’s topic: Yao Ming’s broken foot.

(prepare to have your mind blown)

After leading the Rockets to 12 straight wins, the team suddenly announced that Yao will miss the rest of the season with stress fracture in his foot. That seems a little fishy. And doesn’t it seem even fishier that with the Beijing Olympics only five months away, doctors say the injury will take at least four months to heal.

Here’s the theory. Yao had been playing with the stress fracture for a while. The team knew about it, but as long as Yao was willing to play through the pain they were willing to let him keep going. The hope was that he could play through the playoffs and then have surgery after the season.

Unfortunately for the Rockets, the the Chinese government found out about the injury. A quick call was placed to David Stern in which China threatened to stop the pipeline of money coming in to the NBA if Yao were unable to play in the Olympics. No more Yao Ming lunchboxes, no Bill more Walton dubbed over on Chinese TV, no more Yi Jianlians getting shipped across the ocean. It would all be gone, and Stern would be left trying to introduce basketball to poor children in Bangladesh.

The commissioner knew he had to act fast. He canceled lunch with his old pal Russ Granik and called the Rockets. He carefully informed them of the situation and what they must do. I don’t know how Stern did it, but he managed to convince the Rockets to end Yao’s season. Perhaps he promised to compensate them with future lottery rigging, perhaps he just reminded them that this was a risk they took on when they decided to draft Yao.  In the end the Rockets did what was in the best interests of the NBA, and the best interests of the Chinese Olympic team.

I know what you’re thinking: “I have to call the Chinese embassy to complain.” Well, I’m here to help. The embassy’s number is 202-328-2500. Enjoy.

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This is China’s new Olympic swimming venue. As Borat says, “It is nice.” And by the way, we’re only 168 days away from the start of the Beijing Olympics—also known as the time when China’s genetically engineered HGHletes will shame America by winning gold medals in every single event. It should be a good time.

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Since it the WGA strike began, its affects have been felt in almost all aspects of the television industry. Fortunately, sports are one area that’s emerged relatively unscathed—until now. The lack of original prime time programming on network television is going to lead to an increase in broadcasts of figure skating.

A schedule change owing peripherally to the writers’ strike will give the sport two nights in prime time during the U.S. Championships later this month in St. Paul.

And NBC, the U.S. Figure Skating Association’s new broadcast partner, promises significant promotion of the telecasts, according to spokesman Mike McCarley.

Note to self: Do not watch NBC.

Why? That’s my question. Are Seinfeld re-runs that expensive? Why show figure skating? It’s the most boring television sport of all time—and that’s completely independent of the fact that I care more about the fate of Croatian national basketball team that I do about the World’s top 100 figure skaters combined.

Heading into the strike the writers and the studios all had a set cost they were willing to endure. Obviously neither side has reached that cost, but perhaps they weren’t taking into account an increase in figure skating. Could this now make it worthwhile for them to end the strike and push the sides into agreement? We’ll have to wait and see.

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After a lengthy 17 minutes of careful thinking about the new American Gladiators, I have finally decided that yes, it’s so bad, it’s good. The show is even so bad, it’s really good. So what if it’s made like a shitty MTV reality show (”Date My Mom” comes to mind), once you’re able to get past the notion that it is not a well-produced, exhilarating game show (and never will be what you hoped it would be), its possible to see how the new American Gladiators is one of the funniest shows of all time.

Take the spoon-fed lines the contestants have to say before each event. They’re ridiculous, awkward and completely without humor. When one contestant says “These gladiators are such good athletes—the Raiders could use them” it goes beyond simply not being funny. As he says it you can imagine a tumbleweed rolling by and crickets chirping over the deafening silence. But when you watch him say it again with the knowledge that this contestant was forced to say the line on national TV with artificial enthusiasm while keeping a straight face—it becomes hilarious.

Then there’s the token overweight referee. Who better to officiate a competition that marks the pinnacle of athletic achievement than a fat white guy? The producers should take it up a notch and actually have him sit there and eat a cheeseburger while refereeing Powerball.

Some other good things about the show…

–Titan. The guy lookes like a stoned Jay Mohr in a body suit. I can’t look at him without laughing. I’m also a big fan of Justice. His costume actually makes him look like a cartoon character. He could be one of the X-Men or have his own video game.

–The unnecessary crotch bulges. I think the hilarity in that is self-explanatory.

–The invigorating and sad music that plays when competitors are winning or struggling. It’s simply terrible. So terrible it’s awesome. The same goes for playing “Another One Bites the Dust” when somebody falls off the joust platform.”

–Earthquake, a new event where contenders wrestle on an unbalanced platform. I actually think this should be an Olympic sport. It combines the normal skills or wrestling with finer points of physics regarding weight distribution and balance. Imagine how much fun it would be to watch if it involved professionals with arsenals of escape moves and the knowledge of how to tilt the platform to gain an advantage.

–The new Eliminator. Let’s face it—the old one was too easy. This one is long, but the fact that there’s a chance somebody won’t finish adds a whole new element.

–The new show is a lot more violent. In the first 10 minutes of the show two people got hurt and it really looks like the gladiators are trying to injure the contestants. If there’s one thing the American public loves it’s gratuitous violence.

And now here’s the other important thing about the show. I think it will be successful. When that contestant said the line about the Raiders, anybody who understands the concept of humor didn’t laugh. But I’m sure there are still 10 million people watching the show who did laugh. I also assume that every little thing on the show (from each gladiator, to each contestant, to each event) is based on heavy market research. That means that something about the show is appealing to America’s subconscious. Finally, the show is made like a shitty reality show. That’s the bottom line. For that reason the purist American Gladiators fans (and sports fans) will hate it, but in the end that’s what will make America like it.

To conclude—the new show will never be something I’ll look forward to watching every Monday night, but I’ll keep a few episodes stashed on my DVR and I’ll be happy they’re there when I’m bored at 3 in the morning. Frankly, that’s more than I can say about most of the stuff on TV.

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(Every week there are a number of stories that slip through the cracks here at ShakedownSports.  These are just a few of them.)

–The Blazers announced that they plan to sell the naming rights to the Rose Garden. Although Paul Allen says he is in talks with both regional and national firms, if Greg Oden makes a full recovery the team might just name the arena after his orthopedic surgeon.

–Thirty-two years after he left Alabama, Joe Namath is finally getting his degree. The accomplishment allows Namath to make good on his much less-publicized guarantee that he would graduate from college.

–The Chicago History Museum paid $100,000 to win an auction for a set of documents, letters, and memos regarding the 1919 Black Sox scandal. The new Black Sox display will be built in the space that was reserved for Mark Prior’s lifetime achievement exhibit.

–The IOC denied Tibet’s application to field a team in the 2008 Olympics. The decision is a tough break for Tibet’s #1 ranked “achieving inner peace” team.

And don’t forget the Week 15 picks.

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Throughout its long and storied history, the Olympics have had one constant—Every year the mascots get creepier and creepier. Yesterday the organizers of the 2010 Winter Games in Vancouver unveiled a trio of mascots, and at first glance they’re quite a group.

Quatchi is a young sasquatch with a long brown beard and blue earmuffs, while Miga is a snowboarding sea-bear – part killer whale and part kermode bear. And Sumi is a spirit animal that flies with the wings of a native thunderbird.

Look at those things. I don’t know what a spirit animal is, but I want it to stay as far away from me as possible. It looks like Yoggi Bear on crack. And since when can sea-bears snowboard? If you’re going to have a sea-bear at least give him a realistic profession—like data analyst. As for the sasquatch, he just looks like the illegitimate lovechild of Chewbacca and Harry from “Harry and the Hendersons.”

The moral of the story? I’m excited for the 2010 Olympics.

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Charity. What does it really mean it today’s society? How do you define it? For example, when the Seattle Marathon calls itself a benefit for the University of Washington Medical Center but donates exactly 0% of the $120 entrance fees, is it a charity event? It’s an interesting question.

The race does donate the money that runners agree to give in addition to their entry fee, but last year that accounted for only 1% of the total revenue from the race. There’s also one other small discrepancy.

The Web site also states prominently that the marathon “is organized and run by volunteers in the community.” While race organizers do rely on thousands of volunteers, the Seattle Marathon Association’s 2006 tax returns show that the association paid $330,000 in compensation to employees and organizers — triple the $110,000 it paid two years earlier.

The truth is, this really isn’t such a big deal. The Medical Center still gets some money, and besides, not everybody is running in the marathon just because it’s for charity. Some people run marathons to stay in shape or prove to the world that their crazy Scientologist lifestyle still allows them to do things normal people do. Nevertheless, next time the race organizers might want to make are a larger slice of the pie goes to their charity.

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When the Olympic Games are held in America, the host city will often build new parks, stadiums, and roads. For the 2014 Winter Games in Sochi, the Russians are going a step further.

Russian developers outlined plans on Saturday for a 350-hectare artificial island in the shape of Russia to be built off the Black Sea coast near the future Olympic venue Sochi.

Federation Island is expected to house around 25,000 people in apartments and villas and is to be completed in time for the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, said its designer, Dutch architect Erick van Egeraat.

It will have two marinas, three religious centres, roads, parkland and artificial rivers, the latter designed to mimic some of the major rivers of Russia.

Doesn’t that sound nice. And if you’re thinking that Russia should work on improving areas of the country where people actually live instead of building new land, you obviously know nothing about using the Olympic Games to inject your city with as much government money as possible.

One thing to watch for is the American response to this island project. I can just see it now. Soon the U.S. will to try and outdo the Russians by building a bigger and better island. Perhaps it will be near Chicago, where in an effort to land the 20016 Olympics the city agrees to build a 5,000 square mile island in Lake Michigan. They’ll hold the team handball matches there. In the end the whole island thing will be just like the space race—only without the threat of communist nuclear weapons being dropped on America from the stars.

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The U.S. men’s basketball team has a lot of work to do before the FIBA America’s Championship later this week. Over the weekend they scrimmaged against the U.S. Select Team, a squad made up of younger NBA players (such as Jason Kapono, Aaron Brooks, and Jeff Green), and they lost. For some reason a cliche-happy Mike Krzyzewski seems unconcerned.

“I don’t think you make anything of any one thing,” Krzyzewski said. “It’s all a process.

Hopefully that process will be finished by the time the U.S. has to play Canada and Brazil later this week. If it’s not, all the bogus charging calls in the world won’t be able to help Coach K.

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